The title of this post may be quite misleading, but if you choose to read what it really means I’m just going to issue a Rated Gross warning. My fat fur baby Maximus is getting up there in age. He just turned 9 (maybe 10 I’m not quite sure since his paperwork is sketchier than Obama’s birth certificate). Of course 9 is considered elderly for dogs and it has to be expected that things are going to go wrong. And wrong they are going. Between the standard few thousand a year dogs costs no matter what the age, the older the little guys get, the more smaller your bank account gets. I had this realization back in March when Maximus had to go under anesthesia for that eye tumor removal.
I had prepared myself for the worst since I have lost 2 pugs in surgery in my lifetime. It’s brutal and just excruciating on the heart. I told myself then that I can’t let a dog’s passing be the end of me. The year 2012 was just a painful year all around, I was depressed (clinically diagnosed twice-not being dramatic), heartbroken by a guy and a close friend so I just chalked it up to a really shitty year. I told myself going into that surgery that I wasn’t going to let it send me into a downward spiral if he passed away for some reason. It may sound morbid, but it’s honest and I consider myself a realist. We should all know that 99 percent of the time, we are going to outlive our pets. Anyways, he made it through that intense surgery like a boss and has been great ever since. Until the last 2 weeks.
He’s been puking daily, hardly eating-which is a huge red flag since he would eat til he exploded normally-and he has been super lethargic. Do you overreact and take him to the vet for that standard 200 dollar charge when nothing ends up being wrong? Or do you ride it out. Ride it out I decided and he seemed to be on and off, so I was going to wait it out. Friday night I was asked to act as more of a silent host for a fabulous charity event sponsoring Susan G. Komen where all the proceeds were going to breast cancer. I was really impressed when I showed up to the space because it was just over the top in terms of organization and theme. Anyways, my guy friend had asked me to be a model and lead some of the breast cancer survivors. Along with 7 real models. REAL models.
Yes, I am neither a strong, survivor-nor am I a breast cancer survivor who deserves recognition for winning my battle with cancer. I was told that 2 of my guy friends and another regular girl were also going to be modeling, so I agreed to do it. It’s not that I don’t support the cause of course, it’s that I am not a model and I knew people were going to be like, “Who the hell is that chick and what is she doing modeling?”. UGH. The feeling of dread kicked in when I saw all the lithe models so I threw out the idea-which likely made me come across as a huge bossy b- that I think it would be best if I just led each survivor to their stage so and assisted them up so they could model and the attention would be on them. The organizers and designers agreed, so I was set. I mean, I felt like I was Carrie in Sex and the City when they had the models and famous New Yorkers. I was like, “I’m not a model! I’m a writer! I’m a talker! Oh my God, you’re Heidi Klum!”
Luckily I didn’t have to model underwear. I made it through my backstage change in 60 seconds with all the naked models. I just said, “when in Rome-and stripped down into my black Spanx thong-and was ready to escort the models). YES for those of you who were trying to help that girl, ‘Brenna’, she did find a Spanx thong and even the models were pumped and told me it was sexy! How about that?! I was so excited to get back to the hotel and eat because I hadn’t had a bite of food since 11 am. Yes, it must be nice to get a hotel room at the Ritz as a gift for hosting the event. It would have been even nicer if I didn’t get a call from the guy watching my dog at 9 am that he was puking and it was an emergency. 200 dollars later, some IV fluids and a steroid shot, Maximus was undiagnosed and seemed just fine.
I was able to get myself a late check-out so I could hit up the Ritz pool and just staycate for a minute. I ordered a thousand calorie Miami Vice and people watched for a couple hours. I also got a LOT of sun. It was heaven. I went to pick up Maximus and met my friends at a restaurant. Of course when we leave the restaurant on the most crowded street in my city, Maximus start circling like he needs to use the restroom. Oh man, I have no doggie bags to cleanup so all these people are going to see that I’m about to be THAT girl that doesn’t clean up after her dog. Well, he starts to poop and wait, it’s not coming out. No way, people are eating on patios and I’m going to have to do what most dog owners consider to be the most degrading situation. I’m going to have to help him get it out. All I have is an envelope so down I go, let’s help Maximus get this out. He screams like I’ve never heard him before. Like a pig getting stabbed to death. I’ve never actually heard that before, but that’s what I imagine it sounds like. I realized that he was trying to pass something that definitely wasn’t food related. After drawing a crowd, and probably ruining most people’s Mexican dinners, I pulled out an exercise sock. My dog ate one of my workout socks. NO WAY this is happening. I just dropped the envelope and ran to my car. Whew at least that was over….until I look down at my phone to call my friends and tell them what happened. Oh I had just Face timed someone? Oh, I just facetimed the LAST person in my phone I would want to hear what just transpired. All girls know what I’m talking about. It happened to be the last person who had texted me and now this person possibly heard me say, “No way I’m pulling a sock out of your ass!” UGHHH.
It was one of those weekends were we stayed in and caught a couple movies. Mostly because Kinsey is not feeling very well these days. We are two months away from lil Chloé being born, and she is definitely feeling the pregnancy symptoms including:
1. Back pain (clapping)
2. Insomnia!!!! (clapping)
3. our good friends, swollen hands and feet! (clapping)
4. Weird appetite! (clapping)
5. And our enemy: lack of wanting anyone to touch her (booooing)
There are many other ones, but the list would be too long. I am almost to the point of having to help her shave her legs because the belly is getting in the way too much. Anyways, we were 1 for 2 on the movie front. We watched Silver Linings Playbook on Friday night. Kidd said he walked out of the movie. I personally thought it was great. I officially respect Bradley Cooper as an actor now, due to how great I think he did in this movie. Yes, it moved a bit slowly at times, but I enjoyed the end, and some of the parts leading up to it. Kinsey, on the other hand, fell asleep and then finished the movie at 3 am… because she couldn’t sleep.
Night number two, the symptoms were still there. So we stayed in and watched another movie. This time we watched Identity Thief. Kinsey fell asleep midway through this one as well. She did wake up at the end, just in time to say, “this is the worst movie I have ever watched!” Sadly, I may have to agree with her. It was not good. I didn’t laugh once. I learned my lesson. If a bunch of critics say a comedy really sucks, I have to go with that. Boy, that was a waste of money and time. I wish I could get my money and my time back. In fact, I would pay more money than the movie cost to rent, to have my money and time back, that’s how much I didn’t like the movie.
The big news is that I was apparently given a “Pregnancy Surprise Test”, as Kinsey likes to call it. She sent me out to go get a movie. So that right there holds plenty of pressure. On my way, she asked me to pick her up some “stuff”. She didn’t say candy, or snacks. She just said “stuff”, meaning: whatever you think I am craving. Unfortunately, I am not Kinsey, so I have no idea what she is craving on any given night. So I had to just cover all angles. I ended up buying something sweet, something salty, something chocolate, something gummy, something sour, and something with cheese. When I came home, I got a “woooow! You covered all my cravings!” Did I feel proud? Heck yeah!
Not everything this weekend had the “wow” factor to go along with it. Unfortunately, the “honey do list” on the fridge still has 8 items. I actually put together a dresser that we had in the new nursery, thinking I was knocking something out on the list, but it was not on the list. So the entire time I was thinking the list would be shortened to 7, but it was all for nothing. Dang it!
So nobody goes to see Medieval Times twice in a six-week period unless A) you have a kid who’s an uber jousting fan, or B) mommy thinks one of the knights is really hot.
In this case, I’m afraid mommy has crossed over into knight groupie status. It’s one thing to think a knight is really hot and maybe even tweet about it to your friends. “Isn’t he the cutest knight ever? Tee-hee!” But it’s another thing to wait until after the show is over so you can stand outside in the lobby and wait for that sweaty knight to come drip testosterone all over you while you stage a photograph for this year’s Christmas card. It’s never too early to plan ahead, people. But I guess it’s time for me to figure out photoshop so I can somehow morph that knight outfit into a Christmas sweater…
And Emma Kelly’s bought into the whole idea of having a knight for a stepdaddy. I told her Mommy is working on it, but in the meantime, she keeps wanting me to play favorites. “Who do you think is better looking, Mommy: the Black and White Knight or Greg Brady?” “Who do you love more, Mommy: the Black and White Knight or David Hasselhoff?” (These are her points of reference thanks to her Brady Bunch obsession and a recent rerun of “Spongebob Squarepants.” You have to admit, during his “Baywatch” days, you would’ve done him…)
So now I’m trying to figure out how I’m going to convince all my mommy friends that we need to get together for a Girls Knight Out. Maybe they’ll go for it if I can convince them I’ve got an “in” with one of the knights. Plus, I heard those guys dig a chick who’s willing to eat with her hands and then mop herself off with a lemon-scented Wet-Nap.
During our “Behind the Mic” segments, we play audio from when our cast members mess up recording things for our show. Watch the cast enjoy Big Al & J-Si’s recording mistakes and Kellie embarrass herself while making fun of J-Si.
I can’t believe I’m about to admit this out loud….or to my keyboard….I decided to lie down for a nap before lunch on Friday and woke up five hours later. So I ate a bowl full of granola cereal, piddled around the house for a bit, and then decided I was still sleepy. So I lay back down — I think it was 6pm by that point — and finally woke up at 7:30 Saturday morning.
So I basically slept away a whole day from my weekend — not that I missed anything anyway. It’s not like I slept through some exciting adventure or blew off a date. Nope! Emma Kelly was with her dad and my dogs’ food bowls were filled. There was absolutely NOTHING keeping me from hibernating for as long as I did. In fact, there’s really no good reason to be awake at this very minute. I still feel so tired that I’m tempted to go lay back down. I won’t, though. Because I think the reason behind feeling this way might not be that I didn’t get enough sleep during the week. I think I might be depressed.
I just booked my vacation to go back home to SC this summer. My parents moved to Dallas a couple years ago, and since the obligatory visit to see them wasn’t necessary, I let the years slip by without making a trip that way. Ever since my parents moved here, they’ve had their house in SC on the market. For over two years, it’s just been sitting there, waiting to welcome me back whenever I needed to go HOME. Even though I’ve been in Texas for 19 years now, South Carolina is still HOME.
So the plan was for me and Emma Kelly to go back to SC and visit with my best friend since fifth grade, Tomi Jean, and her family. Then we’d hang out with my aunt and my cousin and my umpteen second and third cousins. Then we’d head down to the beach to stay at Mama and Daddy’s house there. But those plans have changed now. After two years, somebody finally bought my parents’ house. So now, it’s like I really don’t have a home to go home to anymore.
And it feels like my last remaining connection to HOME has been severed. I’ll always have friends and relatives to stay with, but now I’ll always be somebody’s company. I can’t just curl up on the couch and commandeer the television any more. And I can’t just wander around the house wearing little more than a t-shirt. I can’t just open up the refrigerator or sniff around the pantry. I can’t just flop around and be completely, comfortably at HOME anymore. And I’m so sad about that.
I didn’t realize I would take it this hard! I’ve got to talk my parents into buying another house there with me!! Right after I take another nap……..