It’s not every day that you come home and you wife asks, “why do you have rug burns on your knees?” as you are putting your workout shorts on.That is a question that has never been asked in the 10 and a half years thatI have been with Kinsey. Truth is, a dude should have a very good excuse for having rug burns, and I do have one of those. See, what had happened was that after work yesterday I found a hula hoop and the guys at the office and I wondered if we could jump through it, ninja style. I am very sad to announce that we all failed, and most of us ended up with rug burns. Sometimes, ideas seem waaaaay better in our heads. And sometimes dumb ideas make great Kidd TV videos.
Kinsey left the house to go run some errands while Cason napped, and I worked out. See, heres the thing: at the end of the year I took a whole month off from working out and I ate whatever I wanted to eat. I think it was the best thing to do. It’s like hitting the reset button. We all need to comfort ourselves and take a break. So I usually spend the next 3 months getting back on the saddle and getting back in shape. Even K-Ras has called me a food nazi, because I get pretty strict with what I eat. I do have a couple weaknesses: pizza and taco bell.
I have to keep those two things away. I avoid driving by taco bell, but I can’t avoid when my wife comes home with a delicious pizza from Papa John’s. Yeah, she did that. So 15 days into the new year, I cheated… which is not too shabby.
Let’s talk Oprah now… I received an email from her people yesterday! Nothing crazy, but I did get excited. They actually just wanted an update because Iyanla’s show gave them the highest ratings the network has ever received. So my episode will be run all over again next week, with an update. Yay! The only problem I had with this whole process is that a story, that took over 20 years to develop, was told in just one hour. So let’s see how round two goes.
Nothing is better than having a minor emotional meltdown after working out (for various reasons), going home and making the executive decision that since I am trying to lose weight and skip dinner most nights of the week- chill out that’s what works for ME, climbing into bed at 6:45 p.m. and reaching for my laptop then realizing…where the hell is my laptop. For the first time in the history of my adult life, my apartment is spotless and it took about 5 minutes to determine that the laptop slash my ENTIRE LIFE was not on the premises. Nor was it in the car. No way I was that out of it that I left it at work?! It’s like my right hand and I am really not in the market for buying another 1,500 dollar MacBook Pro. My roommate, being the best person I’ve ever met in my life, wouldn’t let me drive since I had taken an ambien, so she was late to dinner just so we could drive all the way to the studio and see if my laptop was here. I walked in on another group of radio hosts, recording their late show and AHA! It was like the red sea parting…too dramatic? ok. Anyways, my laptop was right at my mic spot. How am I this mentally drained at 28 years old that I’m starting to leave the most important thing in my life at work? I suppose work is the most important thing in my life, so it actually makes quite a bit of sense. The next issue was the mascara stains on my face from the leftover makeup from the morning that hadn’t been washed off. When, the host of the late country show started chatting us up and asked me to take a picture, of course I couldn’t say no but I can guarantee I never looked worse. I undoubtedly looked worse than any walk of shame ever. I would go as far as to say that I looked more beat than Rihanna after that car ride with Chris Brown. I don’t remember much of the conversation with them since the ambien kicked in and Holly drove home so she could get to her dinner. I proceeded to immediately fall into bed, clutching that laptop and then using my Sephora gift card from Christmas, I purchased 200 dollars worth of the best reviewed skin care products on the market. Looking at myself in the mirror at that juncture really encouraged me to start spending money on my skin. That aside, I noticed I got a tweet from a fellow Dish host in another city and that started the always a good idea, ambien tweet session. tweeting For those of you reading this and judging me for mypharmaceutical fandom, just stop right there. I would prefer the holistic approach as well, but the hours that we work are unnatural. Combine that with the fact that I am a very firm believer in science, prescription meds work and that’s undeniable. However, I don’t condone ambi-tweeting or ambi-gramming. Time to take a look at what I wrote last night….
I must admit, 2013 is off to a slow start. I started off with a mini-meltdown and followed that with a botched attempt at a carb-free way of life. I haven’t really set myself up for success in any area just yet, but hey! We’re in two weeks here! There’s still time to turn this bus around!
My friend’s husband is trying to get me to do this boot camp thing and his wife is FURIOUS. He did it last year and became completely obsessed. The problem with her husband being obsesses is……..everything. He decided to go full force with not only the workouts, but he decided to do the cleanse and then the food plan and then he got a support team and they’d all check in with each other and Instagram pictures of their food and post pictures of their abs on their Facebook walls. It’s all he’s talked about. It’s all he does! If he doesn’t break down and have a chicken fried steak, I’m not sure their marriage can survive!! That actually might be a bit extreme….But my friend is definitely not excited about the possibility that I may become as obnoxiously obsessed as her husband. Our friendship would definitely be in jeopardy if that should happen. I mean, she’s legally and spiritually and emotionally bound to him. I’m just a sporadic one-hour phone call and an occasional lunch date — a replaceable commodity!! Because there’s nothing worse than a friend sneering at you from the the other side of the restaurant table as you order a salad with actual DRESSING!! It’s a look that not only says, “How dare you put that crap in your body??” but also, “I am SO superior to you…”
But then again, my friend has known me for going on 19 years. She knows I don’t ain’t stickin’ to nothin’. I’ll sign up for boot camp, put down my deposit for a month, show up twice, and never utter the words “boot camp” again. A friendship is saved!! But I still have to go through the motions of actually making a life change, so I’m googling boot camps after work today.
Emma Kelly is obsessed with ages and birthdays. She’s constantly wanting to know if she’s older than so-and-so. If not, she’s forlorn. If so, she wants to know by how many years, months or days. And Emma Kelly is always reminding me of how old I’ll be on my next birthday. ALWAYS. I mean, like, the subject comes up ALL THE TIME. It gives her great joy.
So to distract her from MY birthday — which is coming up in four months, she reminded me — I brought up HER birthday. She said it’s not until October, but I said that ten months isn’t really THAT far away.
“What were you thinking you’d like to do for your birthday party this year, Emma Kelly?”
“I want a Jesus party.”
“How do you do a Jesus birthday party?”
“Um…..We can play pin the head on Jesus?”
Can she say that?? Because she just did. So I pressed her for more.
“And what else would you do?”
“My friends and I can pretend that we’re all dead and that we’re in Heaven with God.”
And I’m thinking, how am I going to word THAT birthday party invitation?? And who’s mom is going to let her kid come to a party after receiving THIS in the mail:
“Emma Kelly is turning SEVEN, so come pretend that you’re dead and in Heaven!”
Um, no. The idea of a Jesus birthday party is a good one, but it falls apart after that. She’s got ten months to come up with a new plan.