I am changing the names of those involved to protect the innocent, and by “innocent,” I mean me, of course. But I have been the victim of a bad setup.
I do not blame those who get excited about wanting to set me up. Girls love to play matchmaker and take credit for bringing together two obvious soul mates who would’ve never found each other without some divine interference. And the older I get, I’m like, whatever…Why not…What can it hurt…I need an excuse to get my roots done and a pedicure anyway…
So the meeting was set. It definitely wasn’t a date. It was a meeting. But it would be a group meeting to ease the pressure. The pressure from what? For whom? The setter uppers? The guy? Me? Was I supposed to be feeling pressure? Because for some odd reason, I was feeling zero pressure. Sure, the mind wanders over to the Land of What If for a minute or two, but then the Hunchback of Broken Dreams stomps over and shoos you right back into the Kingdom of Reality.
So I show up looking fairly cute for a 40-something, if I do say so myself. You’ve got to put for a little effort, right? The mastermind of this matchup is already there with two of her friends. So I join “April,” “Betty” and “Carla” for a round of adult beverages as we await the arrival of “Dean,” who shows up about 20 minutes later with Mr. and Mrs. “Everly,” who are also playing a part in this potential love connection. So I scoot over to make room for Dean. “Nice to meet you.” “Nice to meet you.” And that was pretty much the extent of our conversation. I attempted a question or two, but it was met with an adjective and adverb-free response. And then it was announced that his other friends were arriving. So I and everybody at the table scoot down to make room for Dean’s friends, and he proceeds to get up and move to the table behind us.
April and Mr. and Mrs. Everly seemed to be somewhat embarrassed and a little disappointed and then proceeded to explain that Dean is very shy and perhaps a little socially awkward. And this is who they think would be a potential match for ME?? So we stayed to finish our final round of adult beverages and, with a wave over the shoulder, I said goodbye to all the hopes and dreams Dean and I failed to live up to for April and the Everlys.
The funny thing is, I feel like April is mad at ME!! But what could I have done differently? And the thing is, I’m not even the least bit upset about being rejected or whatever that was. Maybe in my 30s I would’ve taken it personally. I’m too old for that ish now. And maybe if I was lonely I would be all depressed. But I’ve got plenty of love in my life from friends and family to freak out over some monosyllabic set up who moved to another freaking table!! By the way, what was up with that??
Big Al is such a good friend! He had an idea to help Kellie sell her house. T-shirts were made with #BuyKelliesHouse… too bad she didn’t even need his help and it already sold! Check out how it all went down below.
Big Al’s dog, Curtis, has destroyed the couch and Big Al remixed the “Quit Biting My Flip Flops” song. He was feeling really down, so Pizza Hut helped us cheer him up with a surprise. Find out what it was below!
Kinsey gave J-Si the perfect gift for Father’s Day. He has been wanting to get a tattoo of Chloe’s feet, but the gift backfired when Kinsey revealed the second part of his gift. Listen below to find out why!
I believe this was my third Father’s Day as a daddy… but my first with both kids. This day probably means more to me than it does for most, because of what has happened in my life, especially these first few years of my kids lives. When I was my son and daughters age, I did not have a Father around to celebrate this day with. My mom didn’t meet my dad until I was around Cason’s age, and I didn’t start calling him dad until I they got married when I was five. Bio dad was not around back then, and I have forgiven him for it, because he was a teenager, and because I know there were other circumstances involving their parents. Given that, I take this day seriously. I don’t see it as a day to celebrate being a father, because becoming a father is something any man can do, I take it as a day to celebrate being there, and setting a good example for my kids. That is what my dad did for me. He took me in as his own child, treated me as his own, and loved me as his own. He gave up his life in Mexico, so that I could make something of myself here, because that’s what my mom wanted for me all along. That is a “Dad”.
Kinsey ended up making this day pretty special. She kept talking about this big surprise that she had planned for me. So on Friday night, she got a babysitter and everything. The surprise took place on Saturday. She would not tell me anything… she wanted to, but I kept telling her I wanted to be surprised, because she tends to blow her cover every time she attempts one. We went to a restaurant that we hit up last time we had date night, and met up with our friends. My mind started to work. I knew we had to be somewhere by 8pm, and it was getting close to that point, so I started thinking about what shows were in town, concerts, comedy, extreme sports… and I could not really pin point it.
At 7:55, Kinsey says we have to go, and I was wondering what could possibly be 5 minutes away… she didn’t plan me a surprise party for Father’s Day, did she? That would be weird. She reached into her purse and pulled out some papers in a folder. I thought, “great! she’s serving me divorce papers the Friday before Father’s Day!” Luckily, it was not that. It was a piece of paper with Chloe’s footprints… why? Because I have been planning on getting my Chloe tattoo for months, just like the one I have for Cason, but I really have not had much time. Kinsey made the time for me. I was genuinely surprised, except that my wife almost blew the surprise now that I think about it, because she brought up the tattoo shop being across the street while we were eating. The two girls started talking about tattoos a lil bit too much, but I didn’t suspect she would be planning that.
Surprise was not done there. Kinsey decided to go in on a cabana at a country club pool with her friend on actual Father’s Day. Grab some mimosas. Do a little swimming. Get a lil tan going… problem is: she got me the tattoo on Friday and sun and water are a tattoos worst enemy… so I would have been miserable sitting in 95 degree weather with a t-shirt on. We decided to scrap that, and did the breakfast thing, and hanging out at home together. Cason and Chloe got me a card that they colored all over, Chloe was also colored by Cason. Yeah, he painted her face witha blue permanent marker. We managed to get most of it off before going to eat. Then we spent the rest of the day playing in the backyard, until Cason stepped in dog poo two times in a row. I’d call this a very successful Father’s Day
I’m moving to Plano. Yes, I am moving to a city that was just named the sixth most boring city in the country. Not the state, the COUNTRY. And, if I have anything to do with it, I’m going to take that city all the way to number one. What does Plano stand for anyway? The land of the plain? And what does that make me? A Planoite? A Planotitian? A Planotoid? A Planoist?
I closed on my new house Friday and my current house hasn’t sold so that makes me officially house poor. No, I’m not panicking just yet. But it’s hard to get excited about my new house when I know I’m responsible for two mortgages for the unforeseeable future. Last night, I circled the block while a couple wandered through my home of 8 1/2 years, opening doors and drawers, taking inventory of my mess and judging — positively or not — my decorating choices and organizational skills. And I cried.
What have I done?! I’m leaving the only home Emma Kelly has ever known. I’m leaving neighbors who love us like family. I’m adding another 10 minutes to my morning commute and there’s no telling how many times I’ll have to pray to the Lord for forgiveness for the words that spew out of my mouth when I’m stuck in rush-hour traffic on the tollway. I have to learn how to navigate a new grocery store and I have to find a new dry cleaner, pedicurist and vet. I have to figure out how not to be a pariah in a neighborhood filled with lovely 2-parent homes. This could be the biggest mistake of my life or the best decision ever.
Meantime, the couple spent an hour in my house, which is a good sign. They went home to think about it overnight. Now, if you’re a praying person, I’d appreciate you saying a little word that if this is the right couple to buy my house, they’ll be the ones to get it. I want to sell my house to people who will be good neighbors to the ones I’m leaving behind and not a couple of ornery curmudgeons.
Kellie is trying not to let the stress of moving, buying and selling a house get to her on air, but she had to vent a little this morning. She ran into a little house problem and her new neighbor came to the rescue.
Big Al said that all women are crazy and then ended up rating Dr. Girlfriend’s hotness on a scale from 1-10. This put him in hot water with the girls on the show. So he ranked them too. Listen to find out their ratings below!
Shanon asked the girls in the office to rate Big Al on LOOKS, PERSONALITY and then asked how they would respond if Big Al hit on them in a bar. Listen to find out how he scored below!
Kellie shares a weekend story with us. She took home her balloons from her 20 year celebration. Emma Kelly got a chance to suck in the helium, talk funny and then… THUMP! Listen to the funny story below.
Also, Big Al wants to know… What was your dumbest parenting moment?