You know how when you put your home up for sale, you have to leave every day with it looking like nobody actually lives there? Everything has to be spotless. All the junk mail filed...the kids' toys put in their proper places...the dirty dishes transferred from the sink to the dishwasher...the bed has to be made...the bathroom sink and the mirrors have to be wiped dry...and PLEASE don't forget to flush the toilet...It's just a nightmare.
And for weeks on end, you go through this same routine every morning for NOTHING. Nobody shows up to look at your house...There is absolutely no interest out there whatsoever. You're even thinking that it's about time to give up, take your house off the market, and just live there in your own filth until the day you die.
But then it finally happens. And it's that one day when everything goes wrong. You were up all night with a sick kid spewing spaghetti...Then you overslept because you forgot to set your alarm clock so now your bathroom looks like a tornado hit it...Then as you're grabbing your keys and racing out the door, your dog suddenly forgets he's housebroken...And in your frustration, you just say to yourself, "Screw it! Nobody's looked at this house for two months anyway! I'll deal with the dog poo later!" And just as you're scrambling to get into your car, spilling coffee on the blouse you just picked up from the dry cleaners yesterday, your cell phone starts to ring from somewhere in the bowels of your purse. UGH! You don't have time for this! Whoever it is can leave a message! So you finally get to work and after you settle your nerves somewhat, you decide to take a peek at that missed call. Terror strikes. It was your realtor! In a panic, you check the voice message she left for you over an hour ago. And like nails down the chalkboard of your soul, you listen as that damned cheerful voice screeches at you, "I've got great news! I'm on my way to your house right now! We finally got a showing!!"
The point of all this is not that I'm getting ready to sell my house. No, the point is, I'm just about to replace Kidd Kraddick as the King of Analogies. See, I suddenly had this epiphany -- which is way too dramatic a word to be using here...but I did come to the realization that putting your house on the market is just like starting a brand new relationship. That's because when you start dating a bright, new, shiny guy, EVERYTHING has to be perfect. You always have to be in a great mood when (and IF) he calls you (at like 5:30 in the afternoon because he suddenly realized that he hadn't given a single thought to you all day but out of obligation -- or just to keep you from bitching -- he decides to send you an emotion-free "How's your day going?" text which you have to answer with an upbeat "Great!" followed by a cheerful emoticon). You always have to have on perfect makeup and a cute-bordering-on-sexy outfit, just in case he hits you up with a "My meeting got canceled so I was wondering if you could meet me for lunch in 15 minutes" and you want to make him think you're this spontaneous, fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants kind of girl who just so happens to look this effortlessly fabulous for no reason whatsoever. And you always have to shave your legs -- not just to the knees, but all the way up. Nothing kills the moment like the stress you feel when you realize that lunch is ending with dessert back at his place and he's about to be rubbing up on your hairy thigh. Unless you're wearing those panties you save for that time of the month because you were running low on clean underwear...that's pretty bad, too.
But see! Dating a new guy is just like having your house on the market! Only YOU'RE the house! And HE'S the buyer coming over for a showing! But you don't want him to see your dirty laundry tossed around everywhere and have him be all disgusted by the filth in your bathroom. And you SURE don't want to disclose up front that your house suffers from foundation problems. Why would you want to be all OBVIOUS like that? First, you have to distract him from noticing any problems by prettying up your house with lots of paint and accessories. And then once he falls in love with the house and decides that this is the house for him, that's when it's time for the home inspection. And THAT'S the time when all those pesky little foundation problems finally get revealed to the buyer. But at this point, you're hoping he's so in love with your house that he's willing to pay whatever it takes to get it fixed so he can move in there, or that he's just willing to live with the house and all of its problems, as is.
So that's why I'm glad I broke up with that guy I wasn't dating anyway -- because now I don't have to shave my legs all the way up anymore. And THAT's my silver lining.